Slowly but surely we are sliding into Autumn with its longer nights and shorter days. As the light draws in so do our feelings and thoughts. I can clearly notice in myself a natural tendency towards moving inward, wanting to make sense of where I have arrived and learn from past experiences. This year especially I realise that I cannot carry everything forth with me, that I need to let go of what I do not need (putting the garden to sleep is a great teacher) so that I can sow the seeds which will bear new growth in the Spring...a good wish for vitality.
Lately, looking at relationship and behavioural patterns in my life I have realised something quite striking, and yet very simple that I had not been able to see before. When your experience of love has been that of conditionality upon a certain behaviour or achievement, it is very likely that the love you are able to give is equally tied to a system of values external to the subject of your love, rather than to his/her inherent lovability. As such the manifestations of this conditional love can easily be retracted if he/she does not comply with the lover's expectations and internal set of values (usually inherited from childhood along with a sense of not being worthy of love). This applies to romantic love, motherly/fatherly love, friendship, any kind of love. When you have had to 'fight' to feel loved, the very moment Love flows free of burden or condition, the disbelief is such that you even doubt the truthfulness of it. This, I have come to understand, is the true tragedy of not having known unconditional Love: the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will never feel good enough, worthy enough or lovable enough to be - and feel - truly loved...there is always a 'what if' lurking in the background of your head.
Once I understood this of myself I began looking at relationships and patterns within them which reflect just how difficult it is to come out of this kind system of limiting beliefs. The ramifications are multiple, from experiencing Love as a trap, because you have to live up to a certain standard to deserve Love (read constant performance anxiety); to feeling in an instant the inner contraction which prevents you from outwardly manifesting love once you feel the subject of your love is letting you down (whatever this means). Old patterns are always difficult to bypass. I still find I have to work at feeling worthy of Love and being able to love unconditionally, but through mindful observation of my own thoughts and most of all of my internal sensations, I have become aware of when I am about to go back to my default. It is only through constant watchfulness that you can begin to release old behavioural patterns, each time catching yourself a little earlier, until a new way is found; for this is the only way to break the patterns of conditional love.
I have found that using Sagebrush essential oil has helped me to cut through the narrative I used to hide behind (a good crystal for this part of the process would be sheen obsidian), while thanks to oils like Sandalwood, Frankincense and up to a point Myrrh and Spikenard (all of them grounding and able to free the mind of obsessive worry) I could sit with the uncomfortable sensation of being about to discover potentially painful and unpleasant things about myself and recognise that I did not have to be defined by those. Once you can see clearly you can choose what to let go and what is worth to sow as an intention for a new behaviour to surface in the Spring and carry forward after the long sleep.
Wishing you all a peaceful Equinox and as many walks in nature as possible in the next few weeks to take in the changing light and the colours of Autumn. Be mindful and compassionate with yourselves.
A while back it occurred to me that when we reach a crisis, either health related, psychological or emotional, the time has come to look elsewhere for answers.
Often what doctors can tell us about how we feel does not quite seem to take into consideration all the aspects of our being unwell. The medications or treatments we receive seem more like a plaster to cover up the current situation, without taking care of the scar which is left behind. Also, questions about how do we feel in relation to an illness or dis-ease never seem to be asked.
We also shy away from discussing how we truly feel with "friends" because either we do not want to burden others or because we do not know ourselves how to look beyond what we are made to see.
It is at these times of crisis, when we feel that the answers we get are not enough, that we seek something more meaningful, something that honours the complexity of our psycho-physio-emotional reality and that we feel an urge to turn inwards looking for authenticity.
Healing can help us re-instate that authentic dialogue with ourself, offering the language that we have forgotten a long time ago. If we truly commit to this kind of journey there is no coming back, the hidden corners of our psyche and of our heart will be turn inside out seeking those answers no-one else can provide.
I always felt that Reiki and healing offer much more than a chance to spend time on a massage table under a blanket (although some of my clients will tell you that the feeling of containment the blanket offers, even in the middle of this scorching summer, is priceless). As a matter of fact I have never wanted to market what I offer as a "1 hour relaxing experience" and as a consequence I may have lost clients because of that...but in the same way as we all seek an authentic relationship with ourselves and others, I also felt that I had to be true to the miracles I have seen happen each and every time healing takes place.
So to go back to my insight of today, I realised that true healing is like choosing the red pill instead of the blue pill. There will be no turning back, but like Neo one needs to be ready to face one's own Shadow before the Light can be seen.
My personal journey began when I was made redundant by my company while the sole bread-winner out in Malaysia with my family. The shock was incredible but somehow after just a couple of days I realised this was a "blessing in disguise"; and it truly turned out to be as, soon after, I was able to attend a Reiki I course which changed my life by allowing me to see who I truly am. I am now a Reiki Master since 2011 and for the first time I feel ready to begin teaching Reiki. I am planning to run a Reiki I (Shoden) course at the end of November, exactly on the 7th anniversary of my Master Degree. I will confirm dates as soon as I have finalised details, but I would be grateful at this stage if any of you who are interested could let me know.